Evil, hairy dentist!

I’ve been going back and forth to the dentist a lot over the last couple of months. There’s loads of work that I’ve been putting off and putting off and finally I managed to convince myself that there was nothing to worry about and to make a start on fixing everything in my mouth that needed fixing. This is possibly the last time that I am ever going to listen to myself. I should know by now that I never, NEVER, know what I’m talking about.

Today was the fourth visit and the worst of the lot. I spent an hour in the chair staring up at a light that came close to blinding me and trying not to gag as the dentist shoved his entire first into my mouth along with assorted instruments of torture. Okay, the entire fist thing may be a bit of an exaggeration but not much. My mouth is not overly large, so why did this maniac feel that he had to try to break the Guinness record for “most uncomfortable and sharp items put into a human mouth?”

As I was lying in the chair, which would have actually been very comfortable if it wasn’t for all the obvious discomfort that was going on, I had a lot of time to ponder. I tried to think of anything other than dentists, teeth and pain but my treacherous mind kept dragging me back to what was going on and during that time I learned a few things about myself.

I learned that when someone speaks to me and I’m not really listening to them I nod my head to make it seem as though I am listening. This is not something that I was aware of doing and it’s certainly not something that is due to conscious effort on my part. So, when the dentist’s assistant started talking to me about her plans for the weekend, and I hasted to add that the dentist was still up to his elbows in my mouth at this point, I nodded along to show that I was listening. NOT A GOOD PLAN!

I also learned that the sight of blood on latex gloves is something that is oddly fascinating and hypnotic, even when it’s your blood and a dentist is wearing the gloves. It may be something to do with the splash of scarlet on the surgical white, it may be something to do with the contrast in purity and pain, or it may just be my mind switching off as I realise I am looking at my own blood and it is not where it should be.

Another lesson was that no matter how hard I try, I cannot count all the hairs on my dentist’s wrist. He’s hirsute enough to make Robin Williams look like an egg and I can only wonder how much hair he loses every time he has to peel off those latex gloves. I hope it hurts him, I really do.

The last thing I learned is that dentists should provide a mirror for when you are wiping the cement type stuff they use from your face. Especially if you have a beard. Finding those crusty white bits stuck in the goatee after I walked home made me realise why so many people were looking at me strangely as they passed by. It would even explain why that one man smiled at me and winked.

I’m sure that dentists are very nice people and I know they do an essential job, but I’ll be delighted if I never see another one in my life. Or at least until my next appointment in about ten days.

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