TRIP TO WARMTH AND BEACHES – OR “BLOODY RYAN AIR”

14 Nov

After saving money for about a year, Marta and I treated ourselves to a holiday in Fuerteventura, one of the less “touristy” Canary Islands although it was still just a tourist location. Lots of beaches, lots of sun, lots of all inclusive food and drink, apartment room with balcony. What could be better than that? Okay, lots of things could be better, but for the budget we were working with this seemed pretty damn good to me.

 

Beach 001

Day 1 : Bloody Ryan Air. The Ryan Air flight was part of the package deal and while I knew the company had a bad reputation they exceeded all my expectations. Queues, surly staff, on board luggage moved to hold with no explanation. And the plane itself, Oh My God, the plane! There is a reason that Ryan Air manages to fly so cheaply, well two reasons but the main one is that they pack people into the planes like a group of naked orgy enthusiasts in an elevator. If you have legs longer than about 18 inches, it’s going to be uncomfortable. If you have an ass with less padding than a sofa, then it’s going to be uncomfortable, and if you have a sense of hearing or smell, then it’s going to be unpleasant for you. Vomiting children, drunk, cackling witches, recycled farts. All the horror stories you hear about Ryan Air are true, all of them. Even the ones about gremlins on the plane wings and sharks in the toilet bowls. If you’ve heard it, it’s true.

 

Ryanair_aircraft_cabin
And the second reason they’re so cheap is that they’re not. Basic seat is cheap but they add extra charges on for everything. Expect to pay a lot more for the flight than you thought.
Anyway, got to the hotel and it looked fantastic. Apart from the ugly and miserable people that seemed to be everywhere. I’m not happy with the way I look, you’re not happy with the way you look, no-one is happy with the way they look. But, if you want to feel better, just go to somewhere hot where tourists abound and you will see that the world is a much brighter place than you thought. Inhibitions are lost on holiday (thanks in large part to copious amounts of alcohol) and people who would normally cover themselves up expose naked, pale, bulging flesh. Not just the spare tire around the middle or a bit of extra weight on the ass, I’m talking about people who inhabit two time zones at the same time, people who have their own zip code, people who bend space and time as they walk past. These are the people who will make you feel good about yourself. Don’t pity them, thank them. They make you feel like a better person just by the fact of their existence.
And so many miserable looking people. We saw some families who spent a week there without cracking a smile. Not an exaggeration, miserable the entire time. Why? Why not allow a bit of mirth and merriment into your life. Try it, you might like it.

Parents and children : I believe that children are our future. I am well aware that without children the human population would have a very limited lifespan. I know that parents have every right to be on holiday with their children. I know that you all deserve a break as much as, quite possibly more than, anyone else. However, having said that, if you take children on holiday with you, you are a total and utter Bastard! Screaming children, parents letting them run around without supervision, noise, smell, so much irritation for everyone around you. Do you not hear the groans and sighs as you sit your children down in the restaurant? Do you not notice people get up and move away from you when you go to the pool? Do you not see the way that people glare at you with barely concealed contempt and hatred? You come to relax but so do we and your children are stopping us from doing that!

 

screaming_children_everywhere_by_starlight_arkaman-d50a0bg
But, on the plus side, did I mention that there was a much food and drink as you could possibly ask for. Free cocktails. I’ll say it again just to make the point as clearly as I can. Free cocktails! (Okay, I know they’re not really free, you pay for them as part of your all inclusive package, but don’t burst my bubble with this.)
We had a huge apartment with a balcony that was within 90 seconds walking distance of the pools and one of the bars, two TVs, two fridges, kitchen, all that sort of thing. Very comfortable, very nice, very spacious.

Days, The Rest : Beaches, seal lions, parrots, naked ugly men, boobies, cats, sun-block, posed photos, free draught beer by the pool, glass bottom boats, Frapollates, 80’s Polish cartoons, wandering through hotels other than our own, hunting geckos, watching Los Simpsons in Spanish, wondering if a nap and a siesta are the same thing, finding new shopping markets, more boobies, fishy pedicures, spending hours getting massages and sitting in the spa, singing along to the Hokey Cokey (don’t judge me – remember the free cocktails!), feral cats, camels, paddling in sea, paddling in pool, hunting for cockroaches, free mojito on draught, trying to take decent pictures with a crappy phone camera, pictures taken with hotel staff in “traditional costume”, Marta chasing cats to take their pictures, “A Polka and a Scot walk into an Irish Bar”, evening walks along the beach, Pina Coladas, non-alcoholic Pina Coladas, buffet after buffet after buffet, sun, heat, silly hats, mood rings, tourist shops, tourist stalls, tourist markets, more tourist shops, stalls and markets, shorts, batman t-shirts, batman under-wear, flip-flops, sand.

Day, The Last : See above for rant about Ryan Air. And then back to grey, wet and windy Glasgow.

 

Glasgow Rain

 

I could go into lots of tedious details about the holiday that would be of very little interest to anyone other than Marta and myself, but you get the general idea of it. A great holiday and while I would love to be able to say that it’s good to be home, well, I’d much rather be back there.

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